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23 September 2010 @ 02:28 pm
what's your biggest hurdle  
Imagine you have a great big crush on someone. Do you notice patterns in what you perceive as your biggest hurdle to getting a date?

I'm thinking about things like shyness on your part, or fear of lack of interest on theirs, or you imagine that they're out of your league, or ...

For me, the most likely (and difficult to overcome) barrier to my making a move is having the sense that I'm not that person's "type", or that they wouldn't be interested. Given reason to think that an overture would be, if not successful, at least not misplaced, it's sometimes scary but basically always achievable to ask them out for drinks or whatnot.

I observe that a lot of people seem to think that the main hurdle is their own shyness, and that getting over that is likely to result in nookie (or whatever) if only they could clear that bar, which is always startling to me when I notice it, since it's basically the opposite of mine.
 
 
I'm feeling: curiouscurious
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on September 23rd, 2010 06:43 pm (UTC)
My biggest hurdle is not wanting to have the "I have herpes" conversation. I can handle being rejected for many other reasons, but that one really hurts.
kinesthetic chutzpahdilletante on September 23rd, 2010 06:47 pm (UTC)
oh, huh! i'm not sure i find those issues as... separable, as you describe. i mean, generally i'm shy because i assume the other person wouldn't be interested. :)
Chipceo on September 23rd, 2010 06:57 pm (UTC)
Likewise, and this applies to people I'd simply like to become closer friends with as well. Maybe more so, actually.
(no subject) - heinleinfan on September 23rd, 2010 07:02 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - dilletante on September 23rd, 2010 07:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - aroraborealis on September 23rd, 2010 08:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - dilletante on September 24th, 2010 08:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sparkymonster on September 27th, 2010 03:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - aroraborealis on September 23rd, 2010 08:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sparkymonster on September 27th, 2010 04:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Madame Blue aka Pygment: Yin Yangsweetmmeblue on September 23rd, 2010 06:51 pm (UTC)
My block is that
I'm usually the one who makes the first move. Then it is the case that I often wind up being the one to do much of the work maintaining the relationship. I'd like someone else to make the first move for a change and to put their share into maintaining the relationship.

This goes for friendships as well as dating.
(Deleted comment)
Re: My block is that - sweetmmeblue on September 23rd, 2010 10:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
heinleinfanheinleinfan on September 23rd, 2010 06:51 pm (UTC)
I am only now thinking of hurdles in dating again. What with being mentally in a bad place for poly for so long, and now working towards getting my brain fixed somewhat...

Right now my hurdles are two:

One is definitely the "totally out of my league, not their type, no one is interested in me, yada yada" low self esteem things. I can't imagine anyone liking me that way and it's a hurdle I rarely am able to overcome.

Two is...learning how to poly.
sunstealer: Bert & Erniesunstealer on September 23rd, 2010 07:23 pm (UTC)
Two is...learning how to poly

fwiw- you're light years ahead of where you used to be and should be proud of the progress- not just as related to poly but generally in your ability to communicate more effectively :)
Kcatkcatalyst on September 23rd, 2010 06:55 pm (UTC)
My current big hurdle is that all the people I meet locally are met outside the poly community. So they might be monogamous and they might not, but it's not a topic that comes up socially. And I'm not willing to burn the necessary social capital in finding out,e specially since the odds are very high that random people are monogamous.
Randy Smithrandysmith on September 23rd, 2010 07:47 pm (UTC)
That's one of my hurdles, though I'm getting to the point of being willing to burn the capital. But I'm in a reasonably poly-friendly social space.

I think my two other major hurdles is a) really having a terror of being sleazy/making someone uncomfortable by coming on to them, and b) taking some time to get to know someone before figuring out whether I'm *really* interested or not, and not wanting to lead them on. I've got the usual shy/they couldn't possibly be interested in me patterns, but I can overcome those by force of will. The first two (which are both about causing grief to the object of my affections :-J) are hard.
Agreed. - sunstealer on September 23rd, 2010 08:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Bad Rabbitzzbottom on September 23rd, 2010 06:55 pm (UTC)
For me, it's really just a general self-esteem issue. I can easily come up with any number of reasons why someone wouldn't be interested and I truly believe them. People see me as someone with a lot of self-confidence, I think, but nothing could be further from the truth. I can be absolutely confident so long as someone else makes the first move, but I am rarely able to make the first move, myself.
Jonathan Woodwardwoodwardiocom on September 23rd, 2010 09:09 pm (UTC)
What he said.

Also, these days, I just don't have the energy.
stephanie m. clarksonthespian on September 23rd, 2010 07:09 pm (UTC)
I meet someone, and I like them, so I make an effort to become their friend, and when that works out I chicken out about telling them I like them, because I don't actually have a lot of friends, and so I wind up not telling them out of a fear that since they probably won't like me that way anyway (and before anyone says otherwise, they never have when I have gotten past this, not once in a decade), I don't want to lose the friendship.

I have, more than once, after the crush has faded, told the person in question, and the response has, every time, been an apologetic, 'I never thought of you that way, I'm sorry.'
Misanthropic extrovertdbang on September 23rd, 2010 07:20 pm (UTC)
Usually when I am interested in asking someone out, I just do. Can't remember a crush I've had (and actually had a desire to act on and a life situation that allowed me to act) that I didn't let them know

My fear is of being a jerk! If I let you know I have a crush or I ask you out...and your response is ambiguous...do I try again? Or does that mean the answer is no and I should take a hint already? And how long is reasonable before I try again...a month, a year, a decade, a lifetime? I don't want to be That Person. the creep.
DancingWolfGrrl: top beltdancingwolfgrrl on September 23rd, 2010 07:35 pm (UTC)
For a long time, my biggest hurdle was even noticing that I had a crush. I reliably waited to develop interest in someone until I was pretty damn sure they were interested in me.

Then I realized that wanting something I didn't have wasn't actually fatal most of the time, and now I think my hurdle is noticing the crush early enough that it's easy to make the first move without worrying about rejection. I sometimes joke that my favorite pickup line is "can I kiss you?" and it's kind of true, and I like being someone who is willing to ask, but it's useful to me to ask when I'm still not really super-invested in the answer :)

(Relatedly, still a hurdle, but less of one: being okay with changing my mind, and not feeling like that always is the same as leading someone on. Paradoxically, feeling like I can change my mind to no has made me wildly less likely to do so :->)
Beahbeah on September 23rd, 2010 08:04 pm (UTC)
I'll sit with dbang on this one. My biggest hurdle is that I am all out there, right up front, about my interest, and I worry that I come on too strong and kill my chances. Coy I am not.
Misanthropic extrovertdbang on September 23rd, 2010 11:48 pm (UTC)
Huh. That's not how I would describe my fear. I always figure if we're a match assertiveness will be a plus. I'm not worried about hurting my chances...I'm worried about being a stalker. The world is full of people who don't properly respect others' boundaries. We know those people and we don't like them. I fear being them. I can deal with her saying no. I can't deal with making her skin crawl because I'm scary.
(no subject) - beah on September 24th, 2010 03:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
Co-conspirator of Squeemuffyjo on September 23rd, 2010 08:07 pm (UTC)
First is actually noticing if they like me back. I tend to be very clueless that way. I've finally gotten to the part in my life where I say to myself "Look, you're a strong cheese. Either they'll like strong cheese or they won't. But standing here putting yourself down won't get you an answer and it won't move you to finding out, either."

And then I go back to cowering in the corner wondering if I'm his type and asking all his friends if I'm his type. :) Eventually I hope to move past that into the "ok, go over there and make nice with the guy".
Jasonjd_trouble on September 24th, 2010 07:45 am (UTC)
This feeling I know well. I'm an acquired taste. I know that. What I don't know is whether people want to take the time to acquire it. I also know that if I don't take the risk of people not liking me, then they will never get the chance to. I believe that MANY people can enjoy what I offer, if they give me a chance, and I push myself over the fear of possible rejection.
What do you think we are, Monkeys on Sticks???goat on September 23rd, 2010 08:07 pm (UTC)
Given recent events I can answer this one quite clearly. I am not too shy to ask someone out but I do fear that they don't like me. Even (ridiculously) when I hear through the grapevine that they do like me and that I am exactly their type, and I *know* they like what I do to them. I fear that if I let my full aggressiveness out I will be seen as a monster.

That said, I'm learning to embrace my own awesomeness so I reallyhope that changes in the future if we do end up fully embracing poly again.
Katefenicedautun on September 23rd, 2010 09:16 pm (UTC)
I have a weird brain, so I generally have the same interest in a person if I want to be their friend or date, and generally stuff starts out the same way. However, most of the people I want to be friends with tend to be very busy, so it doesn't work very well, as I will only make the first overture a limited number of times before expecting reciprocity.
Coscos on September 23rd, 2010 10:45 pm (UTC)
The biggest hurdle is if they're just not interested.

But if they *are* interested, the biggest hurdle is low life overlap, which reduces the opportunities to find places and times to connect. If mutual interest is known to both of us, that's different - frustrating perhaps, but not an obstacle in the way you seem to mean in this post. But if mutual interest is not known, low life overlap means less opportunity to signal to each other, notice the potential, and ask her.
Theory Slutdesiringsubject on September 23rd, 2010 11:06 pm (UTC)
I'm not sure. It sometimes takes me a while to get around to asking someone out, and as cos says, low life overlap is a problem. But mostly I find I spend more time being turned down than I do waiting to figure out how to approach someone. So I guess the hurdle is when people *actually* don't want to go out with me. Every once in a while it seems to happen that someone wants to go out with me and I don't want to go out with them, but that seems far rarer.

Also, the poly thing. It's hard to figure out whether people are monogamous because it's SO the unmarked term. Especially with single people, I find. Monogamous and coupled people will more often drop wistful lines about "wouldn't that be nice" or "if only I could" and then you know that they (at last think that they) can't. With single people, who knows!?