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11 May 2011 @ 11:52 am
why do they stay?  
I have to admit that I have sometimes been the head-scratching person who wonders, "Why do people stay in abusive relationships?" even knowing that that's not really the right question to be asking.

So, I found this blog post incredibly useful. You might also.
 
 
I'm feeling: thoughtfulthoughtful
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
cat: firepersoncatya on May 11th, 2011 04:35 pm (UTC)
that's a very very well written and understandable explanation.

It also very much matches my [comparatively to the world, fairly mild] experience of abuse [though in my case leaving or not leaving was not a choice i needed to make (I was in college).]
sabriel: fallen angel_sabriel_ on May 11th, 2011 05:34 pm (UTC)
For a second I thought I wrote this.....
1. "charming on the outside."
2. "in genuine psychological distress."

and finally
3. "you can think of leaving as helping him."
and
4. "I came into this with every advantage in the world. I left quickly. I got off easy. But for all that, it was very, very hard. I don't want to think how hard it would be if I had been just a little less lucky."


and now, I'm going to turn my brain off for a little while, because I still get a little panicy when I think that I actually might NOT have been able to leave.

So thankful I never have to go back,
b.
The Hebrew Hammercockhammercock on May 11th, 2011 09:00 pm (UTC)
Re: For a second I thought I wrote this.....
Very much this.
Molotov Coqtiz: saul's delieestiplika on May 11th, 2011 06:13 pm (UTC)
Yes.

Thank you for this.
Mizarchivist: Mirrormaskmizarchivist on May 11th, 2011 06:39 pm (UTC)
That is entirely spot-on to how I have seen and experienced.

It's so easy to second-guess. For it not to feel black-and-white. All that.
our lady of perpetual amusement: kali_bladedakotakym on May 11th, 2011 07:05 pm (UTC)
I think that this is one of those life experiences that's exquisitely challenging to understand unless one has been there..

I was completely blindsided when it happened to me, and appalled by how difficult it was to untangle myself from the revoltingly magnetic mess that I found myself entangled in. I think that many abusers are seductively talented at manipulation (and many are brilliant and interesting in many ways.. they just have decided to use their "superpowers" for evil).

I have finally forgiven myself for allowing this to happen to me, and am grateful for the immense strength and growth that has flourished because of it. I now can better understand and more effectively help to heal the trauma of my clients. I also overcame my aversion to firearms, and became educated about and capable of handling them safely and skillfully, so that I can be a competent and graceful peaceful warrior if I'm ever called to that place.
m.entrope on May 11th, 2011 08:42 pm (UTC)
drwexdrwex on May 12th, 2011 04:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you, that's a very useful blog post
It's a truism that people don't generally do thing that they, themselves, think are stupid or wrong or bad choices. I sort of assumed that was true in this case, too. Very helpful to have that level of depth.
HighwayHawkhighwayhawk on May 12th, 2011 09:44 pm (UTC)
This post pretty much cooked my brain.

It was useful to see other people's descriptions of emotional abuse mirror my own (thankfully small) experience.

There seems to be something that goes wrong in a surprisingly large number of people's brains when it comes to relationships.

Why. Don't. We. Teach. Kids. About. This. In. School?

I have some other thoughts but they are off to the side enough that I think I should be sharing them on my own journal.