It's much easier for me to share intimate elements of myself from a distance. I think this detracts from my relationships, but I find it brutally hard to talk about my insecurities and fears face to face.

When people find it easy to talk about their insecurities, I fond myself suspecting that that means they haven't drilled down far enough yet.

I am always amazed at the sheer breadth and volume of stuff, professional and personal, that so many people in this community manage to fit into their lives. At the moment I'm specifically thinking of larksdream but there are a whole bunch of folks who always seem to have a lot of plates spinning, but somehow manage to keep them all going.

Although I don't think I have the temperament to be able to keep my life that packed, I still feel like an unaccomplished lump next to all you wonderful people.

sometimes I feel like an unaccomplished lump next to myself!

I love my personal scent, and I wish I could trust my friends to tell me if it was overwhelming or bad. And that I could trust myself to take it lightly if they did.

You too, huh?

When a woman says something is triggery, people generaly respect that.

When a man says something is triggery, people often ignore it, make jokes about it, or actively try to trigger him.

I haven't noticed that, but it makes sense -- people have a hard time letting men have vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Thanks for pointing it out so I can try to notice that urge in myself and hopefully not act on it.

Right now I have an amazing life with a lot of wonderful people who love me.

Past scars mean I have a very hard time appreciating this. I'm grateful, it's all very nice, but at some level I feel like I'm barely participating.

The others involved seem okay with this, but I think we all deserve better.

Are you working on it? How? How's it going?

About 20 years ago I had a housemate who was out and proud as pagan. I guess this is why someone in the apartment complex decided that we were satanists and in this person's mind this was a huge issue. When telling anyone they could that we were satanists didn't get enough traction they switched tack and said that we were child molesters. Even contacting police and giving my description and address.

So it is hard for me to hear people saying that people accused of sexual assault should be named and essentially shunned before any due process and "there's no need to worry about false accusations since they're basically non-existent". Some people are more nuanced but many are not. I want to not take that personally but can't. I deplore sexual assault and any culture that is even remotely permissive to it. But watching my friends so willingly vilify someone based on an allegation scares me and has made me to lose support for causes that I know are good.

It's when someone names who they're accusing, that the rest of us find out whether lots of other people have had similar experiences with the same person or not. naming someone, and describing specifically what they did, is not vilifying, it's informing. as for "should be shunned", I have not seen that happen to anyone based just on one accusation without due process, I have only seen it happen when lots of other people add stories about what that same person did to them. were you shunned and vilified by any community based on this accusation? Did the accuser describe specifically what they observed or experienced you doing? (in other words, make up a story in which they claimed to be a direct witness)

with each passing year, a smaller percentage of my crushes have lj accounts. I wish more of them were here. And more of everyone else I know.

I wish more of the people I know were here too. I miss their thinky thoughts and being able to read them. I like hearing their thinky thoughts in person too, but it's a different experience.

In the past year my SO and I have both done a lot of dating. Frankly, the vast majority of that has sucked for us as individuals and for our relationship with each other. The moments of joy have been, in my opinion, far outweighed by stress, anxiety, and no small amount of heartbreak.
Neither of us is seeing anybody right now.
I think we both miss the flirtatious energy that can come from those other relationships. I think we are both fairly committed to poly as an idea, in the long run. And I dearly dearly hope it is a long time before either of us try stepping into any other romantic/sexual relationships outside the one we are in.

OP here--to forestall one inevitable question: yes, we've had explicit conversations about this.

My wife is beginning to realize how beautiful and amazing she is, and her growing self-confidence radiates from her. I am proud of myself for giving her nourishment and space to grow, and of being a part of her life while she is finding herself.

I'm also feeling a little left-behind. And selfish for feeling left-behind.

Is there a way in which you can work on leveling up in your own life? Make a career move, hit the gym more, something?

there are days where i just feel like walking away and disappearing

I fantasize about rebooting my life, or getting amnesia and lost and building a new life...
I know that means I should change the life I have, but it is HARD. Hard to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it...and it won't magically make me regain the lost years...
I hate spending so much time looking at pluses and minuses and weighing my life.

The work that we are doing together is good for us. It is helping us grow. We are stronger and better because of it, and I love you more and more every day.

Hang in there, beloved.

We are - I love you so!

Not a secret: I'm looking for more LJ friends :)

Me: roleplayer by heart, feminist, bi, poly, likes porn/kink/bdsm, designer, german, slash, atheist, science lover, my heart can be won with a massage, always wearing two different socks, graphic novels, super hero movies, geocaching, 50.000 photos in one year is not a big problem, messy, thinking always and too much, always way to busy, still think i get never anything done, always questioning, mostly myself.

Edited at 2014-02-13 04:40 pm (UTC)

I'm not on LJ much these days, but we seem to have similar pursuits on the geeky side (roleplaying, graphic novels, super hero movies, etc.) and I have been trying to visit LJ a bit more. I'm always up for making new friends who dig the same things I do.

i think if i would do as i would really like, i would have a very different life, including another partner.

but i don't really know what i want.
and anyway, i fear change.
and ... ah, damn.

+1

As time goes on, I find myself falling ever deeper in love with my wife. I get a little jolt of happiness every time our thoughts go down the same paths during a discussion, or we find ourselves moving in the same direction without consciously choosing to do so. She's my best friend and I can't imagine life without her in it.

I know this feeling. And after a couple of decades it still hasn't stopped. I wish you many more years of this.

How to pluralize "octopus": http://www.darwineatscake.com/~darwin6/?id=113

Burritodes!

2 years later, and the burritodes are still going strong!