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20 February 2015 @ 09:04 am
Confessional 2015  
Tell me a secret! Tell me a not-secret! Whisper sweet somethings in my comment box. Express your maddest crush or deepest curiosity! Expound upon the fabulousness of your friends or lovers or would-be friends or lovers! Or people you know or want to know. Do it anonymously or with your name attached; anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off.

You know you want to!

[Please note ground rules here.]

[Link to flat version of comments is here.]

A note on user experience: If you're starting a new thread, if you give it a subject, it'll be easier to pick out comments in response to it down the road.

ETA: IP logging is back on!
 
 
I'm feeling: curiouscurious
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 12:39 am (UTC)
When do you decide?
New poly relationship, brand new, when do you decide whether or which groundrules you're going to have? Of course, if you have a preexisting relationship that has rules then they extend one way or another. But what if you're both single? How do you know when to talk about stuff?

Scenario: new person slept with another new person and didn't tell me for several days. But we didn't have any rule that said that wasn't okay. But it doesn't feel okay. But I had no idea that was going to happen, that it might have been impending, or I might have been clearer that I wanted to be informed. So what to do? Or what to have done?
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 12:46 am (UTC)
Re: When do you decide?
Talk to them. The more communication the better, even (maybe especially) in the early stages of a relationship. There will still always be things that are important that you don't think to talk about earlier, but you can learn from those going forward.
Re: When do you decide? - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 01:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: When do you decide? - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 01:53 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 01:07 am (UTC)
distractions
I've been uncomfortably aware of my nipples all day, and not in a pleasurable way.

I've also been thinking all day about wanting to get fucked really hard from behind until I scream.

These two things are unrelated, and equally distracting.

(Captcha: "win hands down"...yes, if I could get the second one!)
(Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 11:28 am (UTC)
Re: distractions
This makes me smile. I hope you had fun with it.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 01:31 am (UTC)
novelty seeking
My partner of almost a decade recently whipped out a new sex game unexpectedly and it was AWESOME. I loved the game, and the surprise, and doing a new thing together. MORE, PLEASE.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 01:54 am (UTC)
Re: novelty seeking
Details!
Re: novelty seeking - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 07:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: novelty seeking - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 07:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: novelty seeking - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 09:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:41 am (UTC)
I really really really want this fucking recession to end. I have little personally to complain about: I work in tech like many people here and am comfortable. But not everybody needs to or wants to or even should work in tech, and basically every single friend and relative I have who doesn't is being crushed by un- or under-employment.

I know very clearly what my duties are here: Be personally supportive. Be politically active. Listen. Learn. Use my privilege and my voice and my money for good. I like to think that I do these things and am open to being taught (actively or by example) how to do them better. But helping in retail amounts and keeping my personal karma clean for the last decade hasn't moved the unemployment numbers so much as a centimeter, and at this point I'd vote for giving everyone jobs at Monsanto, Blackwater and Halliburton if it just meant that my friends and loved ones (and while we're at it, everybody else) would stop having to beg strangers on the internet for cash just to avoid dying in poverty.

I am seriously scared of the kinds of breakdowns that largely-privileged societies are prone to during periods of prolonged mass unemployment. I can see all the little ropes holding the ship together fraying and breaking fiber by fiber. I don't want to be here when one of the big ropes snaps.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:56 am (UTC)
I'm very scared by this.

I've been employed through the recession, (though I've lost jobs in recessions, before) but I'm scared for my friends, for my family and I'm frustrated for myself.

I'm not a tech worker. Every time there's a recession, whether I lose my job or not, it limits my earnings and my mobility. I have to be grateful to have a job at all instead of proactive about finding the best job possible. The fear keeps me from trying to change my current position for the better (either by getting a new job or speaking up at the one I have).

It makes me furiously angry that people are supposed to serve the economy rather than the other way around. And it infuriates me that I have friends who are willing to work, capable of doing complex or interesting things who can't find work or are seriously under-employed. It infuriates me that there are some people who are considered to be unworthy of making enough to support basic life.

But it terrifies me that I could be next. My personal monetary situation is always on the edge. My buffer is basically nonexistent. I try to build it up, but the line between me and disaster is so very thin and depends on the capricious goodwill of the job market.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 02:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:50 am (UTC)
Thanks for sharing the schmoop
When I see people sharing schmoop, it makes me feel better about the world. So thank you to all the people who do share it.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:52 am (UTC)
Whither thespian?
I've enjoyed reading thespian's comments on this. I haven't seen one from her this year..but I hope she says something.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:02 am (UTC)
Re: Whither thespian?
Ah, but how do you know you haven't seen a comment from her? ;)

I've been quite enjoying how the greater percentage of anonymity this year -- thanks to aroraborealis for requesting it!
Re: Whither thespian? - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 02:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Whither thespian? - (Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 03:04 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Whither thespian? - (Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 04:51 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Whither thespian? - (Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 11:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Whither thespian? - hammercock on February 27th, 2015 12:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Whither thespian? - (Anonymous) on February 28th, 2015 11:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Whither thespian? - (Anonymous) on March 5th, 2015 05:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:54 am (UTC)
I get weirdly angry when I see entertainment / sports professionals talking politics, even and frankly especially when they're on the same "side" as me. You want to use your fame for a good cause? Fucking hand the mic -- not metaphorically, literally -- to an expert or at least someone who is not a multimillionaire who will never ever ever have to personally worry about the thing it is you're trying to raise awareness of.

Marlon Brando remains the one and only example of using the Oscars to talk about an important social issue that I have any time for.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 12:53 pm (UTC)
I understand the sentiment, I really do. But, by the same token, aren't we, people of privilege, asking others of privilege to do more with their privilege to help those without privilege? It's kind of a double-edged sword to ask them for trying to lend their voices for a cause and then mocking them for their privilege at the same time.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 05:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 06:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 07:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 27th, 2015 08:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 28th, 2015 03:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:50 am (UTC)
captcha: "public good!"
There have been a number of posts with no gender identified where people have assumed the gender of the OP -- the ones about discomfort MUST be women, and the ones about voyeurism MUST be men -- and I am sick of those painful assumptions.
I live in a bubble of ridiculous privilege: mostly white, mostly well-educated, mostly liberal, mostly affluent, ... mostly without the kinds of markers that get people antagonized. There's not much we don't have laid at our feet.
I wishwishwish that people would learn to see it more, and better. I am not good at it -- far from it, because I benefit in SO MANY ways -- but I am trying really hard.
I am using my voice, my power, my position, my money, and more to make the world a better place.

Don't get me wrong, I make the world a better place with joy more often than with activism, but I don't see the balance I desire among my larger circles. I hope all of you, with your momentary privilege of anonymity, can spend a second to check your status.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 05:01 am (UTC)
Re: captcha: "public good!"
Thank you. And I hope you know me in real life, because you sound like someone I would like to know.
Re: captcha: "public good!" - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 06:11 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:08 am (UTC)
My confession:
I'm unclear on the difference between "secondary relationship" and "FWB."

Maybe because I'm not romantic?
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:12 am (UTC)
Or maybe it's because 'relationship' and 'friendship' can both cover a range of sorts and intensities of inter-relation.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 06:52 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 07:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:19 am (UTC)
Mohs scale 10 life events
One of the hardest things I've ever done was telling my parents that my sister was dead.

If sharing will help, how about you?
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 06:34 am (UTC)
Re: Mohs scale 10 life events
Spending the last week of my cousin's life with her as cancer inexorably claimed her life was one of the most important things I've ever done, and quite possibly the hardest. I wouldn't change that, but it continues to haunt me over 7 years later.
Re: Mohs scale 10 life events - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:52 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Mohs scale 10 life events - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 01:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Mohs scale 10 life events - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 01:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Mohs scale 10 life events - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 12:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Mohs scale 10 life events - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Mohs scale 10 life events - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Mohs scale 10 life events - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 04:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 05:16 am (UTC)
how to throw a sex party
I've had the desire to throw a kissing/makeout/sex party for a few years now, but I have no idea how to solve some of the logistical hurdles and make the party as fun as possible for my guests. Most prominent is the question of who to invite and how.

I know people here have organized TKOPs before. Any advice?
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 05:55 pm (UTC)
Re: how to throw a sex party
I have organized a number of these kinds of parties, starting from scratch in the early 90s when I didn't know anyone local to me who had hosted such a thing before. My bestie and I started by talking about the idea with our friends, to see if any of them had done this before, who would be interested in attending, who would be willing to help us organize it, etc. It really took off from there.
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 05:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 06:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 06:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 07:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 04:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 03:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 09:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on February 28th, 2015 06:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on March 2nd, 2015 06:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on March 2nd, 2015 09:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on March 2nd, 2015 09:11 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: how to throw a sex party - (Anonymous) on March 2nd, 2015 09:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on March 2nd, 2015 09:43 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - mzrowan on March 3rd, 2015 04:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 07:09 am (UTC)
I wish I could do more.

I read some of these comments -- people convinced they'll die alone and unloved, people who just want a hug, people affixing a time limit to their own lives because it's just too hard to contemplate this misery not ending -- and I'm not sure exactly what I could do, but I know I could invite you over for a drink and we could sit around the fire and maybe tell stories, or maybe just sit there and silently feed sticks into the fire. Maybe that would help.

I do have some stories, though. I've lost everything, three times, and once I lost more than that. I've been broke and homeless, and I've been convinced that I'm unlovable. I have been about as low as it is possible to get. If your experience of that is anything like mine, now that I'm old and broken, I can tell you that there's a fork in the road that you'll come to, and if you go one way it leads to dead or in prison. And if you go the other way, it doesn't start out all that much better, but two decades later you will find yourself looking at someone you love, who loves you back, and saying with a kind of dazed surprise "y'know, it's not that bad to be us". Doesn't seem entirely real, mind you, kinda seems like you're watching a movie of somebody else's life, because you're pretty sure that YOUR life doesn't HAVE any happy parts. And yet, here we are, in a happy part.

I don't put a lot of stock in "power of positive thinking" woo-woo bullshit to begin with, and I'm certain that if you're in the throes of depression and someone says "you just need to have a positive attitude" that a perfectly reasonable response is to punch them directly in the doink, but I will make this one suggestion: allow yourself to believe in the possibility that things may someday get better.

Because they can. Trust me on this.

(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 09:44 pm (UTC)
Thank you
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 27th, 2015 07:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 07:47 am (UTC)
An ex of mine responded to our breakup almost ten years ago by accusing me, in public (via LJ) of a number of vicious things that she knew, or in a few cases (bending over backwards to give her some benefit of the doubt) should have known, not to be true. I decided to not engage with the crazy and not respond to the accusations. I still think that was the right thing to do, but some mutual friends chose to end their friendships with me at the time.

I moved away shortly afterwards. Now I have moved back, and now, almost ten years later, when probably everyone but the two of us have forgotten all of the above, she's made it apparent that she wants to be friends with me again.

I know breakups make people crazy for awhile. I know ten years is a long time, and people change. I am polite, even cordial, when we encounter one another at parties. But I have learned something from this: I am much more willing and able to hold a grudge than I previously knew.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 11:21 am (UTC)
That's not really what I think of as a grudge. Someone wants to be close to me after trying to hurt me that much, and succeeding? And I have no reason to think they regret it? No thanks. That's just self-preservation.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 07:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 01:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 06:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 07:29 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:56 pm (UTC)
I'm usually nervous when I want to approach badseed1980. She's attractive and classy. I feel that my intentions must match/exceed the level of sophistication that she expects/deserves.
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 02:04 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 02:55 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 04:28 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:08 pm (UTC)
declining grandmas
My grandmothers are both having serious health issues right now. One is currently in the ICU after a car accident and the other's mental state has been deteriorating. I am so scared for them both; I don't want to lose them; both my parents are clearly stressed out about it and I don't know how I can help. I know I'm lucky to have made it this far with any living grandparents, but I'm not ready. And it makes me worry for my partner's parents, who are much closer in age to my grandparents than my parents. Is this roller coaster what's in store for us for the next few years?
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 05:10 pm (UTC)
Re: declining grandmas
Yup.

I'm sorry to hear about them, though. I hope that everyone has their affairs in order.
Re: declining grandmas - (Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 03:05 am (UTC) (Expand)