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20 February 2015 @ 09:04 am
Confessional 2015  
Tell me a secret! Tell me a not-secret! Whisper sweet somethings in my comment box. Express your maddest crush or deepest curiosity! Expound upon the fabulousness of your friends or lovers or would-be friends or lovers! Or people you know or want to know. Do it anonymously or with your name attached; anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off.

You know you want to!

[Please note ground rules here.]

[Link to flat version of comments is here.]

A note on user experience: If you're starting a new thread, if you give it a subject, it'll be easier to pick out comments in response to it down the road.

ETA: IP logging is back on!
I'm feeling: curiouscurious
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 03:46 am (UTC)
I recently had the pleasure of an evening with qwrrty and it was even better than I had fantasized about. I highly recommend his company for both friendship and naked fun time.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 03:22 pm (UTC)
I adore him, in all senses of the word.
Re: qwrrty - (Anonymous) on February 27th, 2015 11:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:27 am (UTC)
How I want you
I won't ask, because I know it isn't mutual. It kills me, but I won't. I'm lucky to have you as a friend. I'm lucky that you smile when you see me, that you give me hugs, that you tell me, "so are you," when I tell you you're awesome.

I know I look boring on the outside. I know you have no hint of how much intensity, how much passion for life boils within me, tight under the lid. I wish you would give me a challenge, a quest, a Herculean labor that would win your interest and desire!

I want to write poetry that makes you come. I want to feel you throbbing under my talented fingers, see you arch your back, mouth and eyes wide open in joyous, blinding shock. I want to perform a sonata of sensation upon you, most beautiful instrument. I want to make your knees weak and your soul blissful. I want to see you give yourself to me, willingly helpless, lost in a warm pink haze of delight without thought for a timeless age. I want to caress you with a single, feather-light, tantalizing touch gliding slowly, enticingly, from your ankles to the nape of your neck, wandering closer, closer, to your places of perception that make you writhe and crave and beg and demand.

I want to hold you protectively afterward, as much or as little as you want; I want to watch you sleep and slowly shed my gift to you of triumphant exhaustion.

My body is in love with yours; my mind bedazzled by the hundred ways you are wonderful. My heart wants playful, sweet friendship beyond words. My soul wants to rend the world asunder and remake it into a place where we are together, even if only for a night to treasure for the rest of our lives.

I ache so sweetly to ask you, but I will respect your wishes.

Though my heart and mind both do me violence,
for thy happiness I give thee silence.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 04:41 pm (UTC)
Re: How I want you
I find this 100x creepier than the dirty limerick (or any dirty limerick) ever could be. It makes me shudder with repulsion. The limerick was a silly ditty that i could ignore, but your eloquent fap-fantasy fills me with squick. I defend your right to voice it, but I will also trust the fates that it isn't about me. If I thought for a minute that it was, I'd check around the house to see what could be used as an improvised tool of self-defense.

Rather telling that I'm the only person reading who feels that way.

Capcha: Safety first. ((((OH HELL YES)))
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 03:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 01:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 03:49 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 06:25 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 03:44 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 06:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 06:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 08:06 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 08:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 03:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 01:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 04:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 08:47 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 06:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 01:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 02:08 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 10:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 10:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 05:13 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 06:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 07:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: How I want you - (Anonymous) on March 2nd, 2015 12:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 04:05 pm (UTC)
I've read and participated in the confessional every year it's been up, but this is my last one. Reading/participating makes me stressed out. I guess maybe I take it too seriously. Although I'll miss the fun parts, I feel good about this decision. It represents my growing ability to be kinder to myself.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 04:17 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I took a break from it for a couple of years because some things bothered me a lot and it was making me unhappy. Take care of yourself.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:34 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 04:15 pm (UTC)
It took me a long time to realize that whenever I think of someone as unattractive, it means I am almost certainly missing some form of beauty. Maybe it's more hidden, maybe I need to work harder to see it, but it's there. I've had good relationships and great sex with people that no one else seemed to want for whatever reason, at least at that time. I don't know if that makes me special or just means that I've managed to grow up and achieve basic maturity as a human being.

Once upon a time I was the person nobody wanted, and thank god someone took a chance on me. I wish more people did that. Next time you're available, take a minute to think about the people you wouldn't ordinarily consider. Some of them are diamonds in the rough. Some people take some effort up front, but turn out to be more than worth it.

I wouldn't date someone just because nobody else would. But I look twice to see if maybe everybody has been overlooking a treasure.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:36 pm (UTC)
This! The older I get, the more deeply I experience as attractive a greater and greater proportion of people I know. It makes me sad that it took me this long to get this far, and to know I still have plenty more expansion to go.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:56 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 06:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 08:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on March 4th, 2015 07:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 04:30 pm (UTC)
Compersion, or How I Won the Poly Lotto
I am allergic to jealousy. My ex was controlling, possessive, and terrified by my attention being anywhere other than him, and I've discovered in the years since that I have absolutely no tolerance for anyone being jealous of how I allocate myself emotionally or sexually.

But I thought the absence of jealousy was as good as it got. The idea of real compersion was too abstract for me to comprehend; the most I hoped for was tolerance, like my longish-distance boyfriend being glad I found someone to entertain myself with in between dates.

Turns out that compersion can be the opposite of jealousy. My new boyfriend's wife is so compersive, she jumps to volunteer to pick me up in a snowstorm to spend time with them. She thinks it is hot and awesome that I'm with him: apparently I'm an aphrodisiac even in my absence.

Holy shit, people. A girl could get used to this. Kick-ass metamours: accept no substitutes!
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:00 pm (UTC)
Re: Compersion, or How I Won the Poly Lotto
I'm so glad you've found this!
Re: Compersion, or How I Won the Poly Lotto - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 06:31 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Compersion, or How I Won the Poly Lotto - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 10:36 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Compersion, or How I Won the Poly Lotto - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 01:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:28 pm (UTC)
climate change
I don't talk about it much, but climate change scares me enough to keep me awake some nights and to make me nauseated when I read articles about it. In the worst moments, I fear that perhaps my child will grow up to inherit a post-civilization, Mad Max-style world. What can I do? I sign petitions, contact my legislators, use public transportation when I can, don't eat meat, recycle assiduously. But it feels useless in the face of Big Oil, the Koch Brothers, climate deniers in Congress, and the rapidly-warming Arctic. And I'm so, so angry about it all.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:33 pm (UTC)
Re: climate change
Yup. This is certainly not the only reason I don't want kids, but I can't say it doesn't contribute.
Re: climate change - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 10:41 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: climate change - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 01:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:39 pm (UTC)
My partner (cis man) and I (cis woman) have recently stopped using condoms. From my other experience having condomless PIV sex, I expected this would be a big change in sensation for him, and not a big one for me.
It turns out suddenly sex is MUCH MORE INTENSE (in awesome ways) and that when he comes in me, coming myself is not really optional anymore (previously his orgasm would often but not always lead to one for me).
I don't think this is just an emotional effect, since it feels physiological, but whatever it is, it's awesome.

Also it means we're fucking even more like teenagers than we did before. Getting waylaid on my way out of bed is now an even bigger "problem" than before.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 05:58 pm (UTC)
My experiences echo this, from the cis man's perspective.

I'm grateful to read your perspective on it, because I had honestly feared that the emotional/psychological effects of being barrier-free (which I cannot deny) were leading me to wishfully credit some actually nonexistent physiological effect, of which lack I am terribly aware when using condoms.

Science might eventually prove or disprove the physiological element, and I'll come to terms with either, but knowing that someone on the other side has expressed an experience similar to mine is surprisingly intensely validating.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 06:11 pm (UTC)
I love to travel, and crave it fiercely almost all the time. For various reasons, I haven't gotten out of the country in years, and it's starting to get to me. I recognize that this comes from a place of incredible privilege; having gone overseas even once is huge in this economy. Between that and the fact that I have so many loved ones in far-flung places in THIS country, I am intensely worried about publicizing my intent to go overseas again this year. Worried about jealousy; worried about making my loved ones feel like they're not important enough to visit when I've clearly got the money to do it (regardless of how hard it is to save up for this trip I want to take). Part of me thinks this is a baseless fear, since I'm invariably happy for my friends when they go to far-off places - and another part of me thinks that if they want to see me so badly that they'd be upset at me going elsewhere, they can damn well come and visit *me*. I'm not sure if there's a real solution to this - I guess all I can do is do my own thing and hope no one gets mad at me for it.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 06:28 pm (UTC)
Re: Wanderlust
Doing your own thing, from an honest place of self-expression and love, and just hoping nobody gets mad seems like a pretty good way to start. If travel is important to you, you should make an effort to travel! Always visiting the same people isn't the same as traveling to new places.

Warning, though: traveling doesn't make my wanderlust go away. It makes it stronger.
Re: Wanderlust - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 02:39 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 07:05 pm (UTC)
My girlfriend loves meats that come on the bone (ribs, wings, etc) but can't handle getting the meat off the bone. Whenever we go out, she asks me to debone whatever it is, which ... it was fine when we were first dating, but now, about a year in, it makes me feel like she's incompetent when we go out to eat. On one hand, it seems like it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it bothers me more and more as representing a significant gap between her and some notion I have of basic adult skills -- not dealing with bones, per say, but that she makes no effort to gain ground against a squick that she acknowledges both gets in her way and isn't in line with her values.
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 12:42 am (UTC)
My first response to this was to offer fix-it suggestions--like, for example, what would happen if you stopped de-boning things for her?

But I read this again, and the thing that really leaps out at me is that you seem really to be saying that you think your girlfriend is lacking as an adult--that it "shouldn't be such a big deal, but it bothers [you] more and more." That's worrying to me, because that sounds like disdain. And disdain is the quickest route to sadness in a relationship.

Maybe everything else about this relationship is amazing! I hope it is. I hope you two are wonderfully happy. I just wanted to flag that, I guess. I spent a long time in a relationship where I really disdained my partner, and it wasn't good for either of us, and if I can save someone else from the same fate, I think it would be a good deed.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 07:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:53 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 07:16 pm (UTC)
I miss the crush lists.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 07:25 pm (UTC)
I currently have crushes on people whose LJ names I don't know, which was kind of unthinkable six years ago.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 03:34 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 04:21 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 10:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
missing the crushes - (Anonymous) on February 28th, 2015 07:10 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 07:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 07:39 pm (UTC)
Whatever my criteria are for picking people to have in my life, I know they're imperfect. I am definitely missing out on some people who might be wonderful friends, lovers, and allies. On the other hand, they're also really really good. Everyone even kinda significant in my life is someone that I love and trust. I can't overstate how wonderful that is.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 07:41 pm (UTC)
someone I love
There's this woman I know -- in fact, we're friends -- who inspires me to be a better me and to have fun while doing it. It's not that she always knows the best thing for me to do, but she helps me find my own answer to whatever question I'm grappling with. She models curiosity and play without abandoning earnestness or sincerity. She has an infectious laugh that frequently turns a somber group festive and a festive one over-joyous. She makes her own way in the world without regard to convention, but doesn't break rules only for the sake of breaking rules.

I'd say I want to be her when I grow up, but the form of her inspiration is such that what I really want is to be a me worth of her friendship.
(Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 11:36 pm (UTC)
Re: someone I love
This was such a delight to read!
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 08:22 pm (UTC)
living intensely
I'm one of those people who feel everything more strongly -- hurt, anger, joy, love, you name it. I like intense music, intense sex, certain forms of kink, anything that proves other people share some of this.

This is an actual diagnosed thing, not just my internal perceptions. And I know I'm lucky, because it can cause people to lose their jobs, their loved ones, their homes, and do destructive things like having unsafe sex, staying in abusive relationships, and taking street drugs.

I now know some coping strategies that will keep the expression of my emotions from being so overwhelming that they hurt people around me. And I *still* feel like my outsize emotions hurt those around me. They don't go to 11 any more, but they still hit 9 on occasion. I feel like the people I most want to be around are muffled in cotton batting that they can't see, or are somehow fragile in ways I can't detect. I feel like the rules of the society I live in are made up of unspoken assumptions, and that the first reaction of most people is to draw away from me and not say anything about how I can fix the things I break, which is more hurtful to me than just coming right out and telling me what they expect.

It's really hard, because I really want the connections to people, and I don't really know how to make those connections in a sustainable way. This isn't just about poly, either, though that's the most painful part right now.

I'm not really asking for anything -- just remember the next person you meet could feel like this and if you have the energy, make a little space in your life for some intensity.

(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 08:29 pm (UTC)
Re: living intensely
I could have written this.

I wish I knew you, because it would be nice to have a friend who probably wouldn't be afraid of my intensity but might share it.
Re: living intensely - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 08:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: living intensely - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 12:46 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: living intensely - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 12:48 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 08:24 pm (UTC)
peri-menopause and magnified PMS
My very least favorite thing about peri-menopause is the serious worsening of my PMS. I feel like basically go insane and just lose rational thought for a little bit, or at least react intensely and irrationally to things that would otherwise be mildly stressful if at all. And because my cycle is completely unpredictable at this point, I only realize what was happening in retrospect. The last time was the worst of all and completely unexpected.

Words of wisdom from those who have been here? I can't predict it at all, and I really feel like I am completely paranoid and out of consensus reality when it happens.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 08:57 pm (UTC)
Re: peri-menopause and magnified PMS
I'm so sorry. That is a horrible way to feel.

Please be as kind and patient as you possibly can with yourself.

Ask yourself what you need. Make a habit of asking yourself every morning, even if you don't feel crazy. Listen deeply for the answer. And then, if you can, find a way to let yourself have it.

Remember that this is not permanent. Someday you will feel more like yourself.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 09:00 pm (UTC)
.... in addition to being lithe, mischievous, clever, witty, delectable, and generally hot as hell, turns out to make the most marvelous noises when you touch her just... right... there.

(Ask me how I know.)

A++++ would play again.
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 10:58 pm (UTC)
Re: blk
Even though she's one of those folks that I see once in a while and won't ever get the nerve/have a chance to make a pass at and have never had a real conversation with, I find her soothingly level-headed; on scant acquaintance I somehow believe that I could lend her my car keys and everything would come back in one piece, quite possibly even with the tank topped off.
Re: blk - blk on March 2nd, 2015 05:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: blk - (Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 11:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: blk - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 12:04 pm (UTC) (Expand)