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20 February 2015 @ 09:04 am
Confessional 2015  
Tell me a secret! Tell me a not-secret! Whisper sweet somethings in my comment box. Express your maddest crush or deepest curiosity! Expound upon the fabulousness of your friends or lovers or would-be friends or lovers! Or people you know or want to know. Do it anonymously or with your name attached; anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off.

You know you want to!

[Please note ground rules here.]

[Link to flat version of comments is here.]

A note on user experience: If you're starting a new thread, if you give it a subject, it'll be easier to pick out comments in response to it down the road.

ETA: IP logging is back on!
 
 
I'm feeling: curiouscurious
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on February 20th, 2015 06:28 pm (UTC)
first date duds
I'm a het cis-woman who's been on a lot of first dates, and I've come to be pretty depressed about the number of men I've ruled out on the simple rule of: No nookie or second date for anyone who doesn't ask me a single thing about myself.

And I'm actually pretty pissed off about it.
(Anonymous) on February 20th, 2015 06:29 pm (UTC)
Re: first date duds
That seems like a really low bar for the dates. I'd be pissed, too, that no one was stepping over.
(Anonymous) on February 20th, 2015 06:37 pm (UTC)
Re: first date duds
Yeah, that's what I mean. It is an *incredibly* low bar. To be clear, the actual bar to the next date is substantially higher than that, but about half never even get to any evaluation beyond this.
(Anonymous) on February 20th, 2015 06:41 pm (UTC)
Re: first date duds
Gaah. That's depressing. I'm looking at possibly re-entering the dating pool after a long relationship and everyone has horror stories, but this is, while less horrifying, far more grim.
(Anonymous) on February 20th, 2015 09:35 pm (UTC)
Re: first date duds
I have been on several first dates in the past year and there was not a single one where we didn't both ask each other many things about each other. Maybe that counters the grim impression a little? Although I am a straight man so all my dates have been with women.
(Anonymous) on February 20th, 2015 09:42 pm (UTC)
Re: first date duds
Yeah, sorry. I really don't find that an effective counter to the grimness, as a female-identified person.
Re: first date duds - (Anonymous) on February 20th, 2015 09:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: first date duds - (Anonymous) on February 20th, 2015 10:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 21st, 2015 08:20 pm (UTC)
Re: first date duds
ok, i'm a het cis man, so my perspective isn't much help, but… how does that even work? how do they make conversation?
(Anonymous) on February 21st, 2015 08:46 pm (UTC)
Re: first date duds
(not the OP)

They talk at you. Endlessly. They tell you about their job or the job they wish they had or their D&D character (which is usually the highlight, because I actually like D&D) or their feelings about politics or (god help you if it gets to this place) their feelings about The State of the World These Days.

I'm not being hubristic when I say: I am a remarkably brilliant woman. I once went out on a date with a guy who interrupted every comment I made about myself and my work in order to tell me about his Plan For Curing Cancer. He really wanted a second date. There was no second date.

(Anonymous) on February 21st, 2015 10:56 pm (UTC)
Re: first date duds
(OP) Exactly this. It always feels to me like code for "I don't see you as a person, but as an audience for my brilliance/insecurity/extroversion/whatever." It's SO GREAT to get clued into that right away, but it's SO DEPRESSING in its frequency.
(Anonymous) on February 21st, 2015 11:18 pm (UTC)
Re: first date duds
I think that's the reason for some men. But I think others are just a victim of the script they've been fed that the most important thing for a man to do on a first date is impress their partner with their status, coolness, and so on. So they go on and on about themselves in a nervous bid to impress.
Re: first date duds - (Anonymous) on February 21st, 2015 11:32 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: first date duds - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 04:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 21st, 2015 11:37 pm (UTC)
Re: first date duds
Wow, that is super gross, and I'm really sorry that's been happening to you.
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 01:03 am (UTC)
Re: first date duds
Cis het man here, simply befuddled that this can actually happen enough to be noteworthy!
I... but... how do you go on a date and not poke questions at someone???
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 01:09 am (UTC)
Re: first date duds
Maybe they're just assuming that women are going to ramble on and on about themselves just like they do? Seems terribly boring!
(Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 08:40 am (UTC)
Re: first date duds
Being shocked and confused when you hear a story like this might indicate that this is not a problem you have.

I suspect your intentions are good. But I find this response troubling... maybe because...

In my experience, this kind of monologue behavior happens every day, nearly everywhere I go. I don't have to have a particular gender (or be on a date) to notice it. If you are shocked that this happens, you might not be paying attention.

Or maybe you and all of your friends are awesome conversationalists. I prefer that scenario.
(Anonymous) on February 26th, 2015 08:43 am (UTC)
Re: first date duds
I'm sorry that happened. I'd be angry too.

I hope you find people who are interested and excited about listening to you!