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20 February 2015 @ 09:04 am
Confessional 2015  
Tell me a secret! Tell me a not-secret! Whisper sweet somethings in my comment box. Express your maddest crush or deepest curiosity! Expound upon the fabulousness of your friends or lovers or would-be friends or lovers! Or people you know or want to know. Do it anonymously or with your name attached; anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off.

You know you want to!

[Please note ground rules here.]

[Link to flat version of comments is here.]

A note on user experience: If you're starting a new thread, if you give it a subject, it'll be easier to pick out comments in response to it down the road.

ETA: IP logging is back on!
 
 
I'm feeling: curiouscurious
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on February 20th, 2015 10:16 pm (UTC)
okcupid exclusions and bonuses
Inspired by others, I've largely stopped writing to men on okcupid who don't list some women creators in their favorite books/music/movies section. Recently I found I had to add a caveat to that: if the only woman listed is Ayn Rand, it doesn't count.

What do you look for in someone's profile? What do you definitively NOT want to see?
(Anonymous) on February 21st, 2015 03:59 am (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
I categorically refuse to respond to or message anyone who has the ages they are interested in set to a decade or more younger than they are and only a year or two older.
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 03:53 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
What about men who say they only like brunettes or women with short hair or women who don't shave their pits or women with no tattoos or straigh women? Do you also not respond to them? My point being, attraction is attraction. And women and men can't really control who they are attracted too. In my case, I find that most of my friends are younger than I am and I tend to be more progressive than people my own age, so yes, on cupid I put my age range as N/2+7 to N+2 or so. Which, in case you haven't noticed is pretty much the American Societal acceptable range ...
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 03:57 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
(Sigh. I really should have proof-read that better and it is impossible to edit anonymous comments, even in the same browser session. But, I don't care enough to delete and re-paste it.)
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 04:22 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
The original comment didn't actually specify gender of the user or potential partner, but you jumped to defend the rights of men to be attracted to specific things in women. If men and women can't really control who they are attracted to, why does that mean that men have the right to be attracted exclusively to women younger than them, but women don't have the right to find men for whom that is the case unattractive?
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 06:07 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
It's fine for you to know you're attracted to women in a range that's mostly your age or younger.

It's fine for the other commenter, of whatever gender and preferences, to find that a turn-off personally.

Maybe your response isn't really to that commenter and their personal preference, but to the assumption you feel in the air around you that their preference is an honorable one and yours is sleazy. Note that the commenter you responded to didn't actually say that.

If so, you're right to feel that thing in the air, it is there. We could also go deeper into some good reasons why it's there, and also some innocent people feeling disapproved of for their personal taste, and... well, there are plenty more levels that conversation could dive into.
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 06:42 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
Yes, I don't respond to any man whose explicit preferences a) exclude me or b) are opposed to my politics or values.

Don't like it? Sounds like your problem to me.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 06:52 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:29 am (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
OP - Your assumption, that I am a woman who dates men is correct, but the problem is the reason you cite, that men dating younger women is the norm is why I rule those men out. If a 33 year dude is interested in girls between the ages of 18-34, it's a reasonably safe assumption that he is shallow and/or who has never thought seriously about gender norms in relationships, and I do not want to date that guy. It's possible that excluding people based on this means I'll miss out on that one feminist guy who has thought seriously about the role of societal norms in gendered relationship expectations and still has those age preferences (and you could be that guy), but it absolutely guarantees that I will avoid wasting my time talking to guys who are going to piss me off. And that's what filters are for.
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 05:23 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 21st, 2015 06:00 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
I weeded out profiles where the person hadn't somehow gone meta and fucked with the questions or format in a funny way. Example: "On a typical Friday night, I am..." "That is a true statement."
(Anonymous) on February 21st, 2015 11:09 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
Bonuses:
Geeky, nerdy. It doesn't even have to be my specific flavor of geekery/nerdery. If something you do rocks your world that's great.
Being creative, even if you're not a paid professional.
Awareness of local/national/international news, politics, events.

Exclusions:
Smoking
Wants Kids
Zero interest in the world around you (news, politics, etc.)
Homebody

(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 07:27 am (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
Hmmmmm. Is it kosher to ask you what gender you are & what gender(s) you're looking for?

I ask because I'm a lady, and even though my like NUMBER ONE criterion for choosing a partner is that I want them to be geeky, when I list "geeky" as something I'm looking for and/or list details about my own geekiness, it is a DISASTER. I either get dudes who are intensely patronizing and rude or ladies who are shy to the point of being incommunicative. Have you had success with this? WHY CAN'T I FIND A GEEK TO KEEP ME WARM AT NIGHT
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses - (Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 04:13 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 06:13 am (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
I'm not really looking for anyone, but honestly, if I were? If you're a Republican, that's a deal-breaker. If you think Gamergaters and Redpillers have a point, that's a deal-breaker. If you're a conservatively religious person, that's a deal-breaker. Because I am a woman, and all these groups display strong tendencies to view my rights and my very personhood as negotiable. Fuck that.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:15 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
Honestly, if someone who is attractive and kind expresses interest in me, and I feel a sense of connection, I am not going to give a shit about the gender ratio of their music collection (or any other such litmus test). I have never felt that it is appropriate *for me* to impose filters like that; I meet so few people who fulfill the "attractive and kind and sense of connection" requirements that it seems almost an offense to the universe to impose others beyond that.

That doesn't mean that such people can't come with deal-breakers, but I need to remember to view them in context, and with gratitude for the opportunity.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:26 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
This describes my approach well.

I do set filters for who I will reach out to -- not because I refuse to date people who don't meet those criteria, but those filters (I hope) make it most likely to reach out to someone I'll be a good match with.

But in terms of responding to men who reach out to me first? It comes down to
"if someone who is attractive and kind expresses interest in me, and I feel a sense of connection" just like you said.
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:10 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
This is actually why I increasingly think that OkCupid and other profile-based dating sites aren't right for me. I can't tell from a profile if someone is going to "click" with me, which is far more ephemeral than all of my personal guidelines.
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses - (Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:44 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses - (Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 02:33 am (UTC) (Expand)