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20 February 2015 @ 09:04 am
Confessional 2015  
Tell me a secret! Tell me a not-secret! Whisper sweet somethings in my comment box. Express your maddest crush or deepest curiosity! Expound upon the fabulousness of your friends or lovers or would-be friends or lovers! Or people you know or want to know. Do it anonymously or with your name attached; anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off.

You know you want to!

[Please note ground rules here.]

[Link to flat version of comments is here.]

A note on user experience: If you're starting a new thread, if you give it a subject, it'll be easier to pick out comments in response to it down the road.

ETA: IP logging is back on!
 
 
I'm feeling: curiouscurious
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on February 21st, 2015 03:59 am (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
I categorically refuse to respond to or message anyone who has the ages they are interested in set to a decade or more younger than they are and only a year or two older.
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 03:53 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
What about men who say they only like brunettes or women with short hair or women who don't shave their pits or women with no tattoos or straigh women? Do you also not respond to them? My point being, attraction is attraction. And women and men can't really control who they are attracted too. In my case, I find that most of my friends are younger than I am and I tend to be more progressive than people my own age, so yes, on cupid I put my age range as N/2+7 to N+2 or so. Which, in case you haven't noticed is pretty much the American Societal acceptable range ...
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 03:57 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
(Sigh. I really should have proof-read that better and it is impossible to edit anonymous comments, even in the same browser session. But, I don't care enough to delete and re-paste it.)
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 04:22 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
The original comment didn't actually specify gender of the user or potential partner, but you jumped to defend the rights of men to be attracted to specific things in women. If men and women can't really control who they are attracted to, why does that mean that men have the right to be attracted exclusively to women younger than them, but women don't have the right to find men for whom that is the case unattractive?
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 06:07 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
It's fine for you to know you're attracted to women in a range that's mostly your age or younger.

It's fine for the other commenter, of whatever gender and preferences, to find that a turn-off personally.

Maybe your response isn't really to that commenter and their personal preference, but to the assumption you feel in the air around you that their preference is an honorable one and yours is sleazy. Note that the commenter you responded to didn't actually say that.

If so, you're right to feel that thing in the air, it is there. We could also go deeper into some good reasons why it's there, and also some innocent people feeling disapproved of for their personal taste, and... well, there are plenty more levels that conversation could dive into.
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 06:42 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
Yes, I don't respond to any man whose explicit preferences a) exclude me or b) are opposed to my politics or values.

Don't like it? Sounds like your problem to me.
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 06:52 pm (UTC)
Similarly, I don't respond to men whose profile states they're looking for single women. I'm married, dude. Why are you even bothering?
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:29 am (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
OP - Your assumption, that I am a woman who dates men is correct, but the problem is the reason you cite, that men dating younger women is the norm is why I rule those men out. If a 33 year dude is interested in girls between the ages of 18-34, it's a reasonably safe assumption that he is shallow and/or who has never thought seriously about gender norms in relationships, and I do not want to date that guy. It's possible that excluding people based on this means I'll miss out on that one feminist guy who has thought seriously about the role of societal norms in gendered relationship expectations and still has those age preferences (and you could be that guy), but it absolutely guarantees that I will avoid wasting my time talking to guys who are going to piss me off. And that's what filters are for.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 05:23 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
yup yup yup agree totally. i think of this as a red flag because a) it implies that they like unexamined gendered age-based power dynamics in their relationships and b) it implies that they think of women as baby factories with expiration dates, and that they assign value to women based on assumptions about their fertility. blargh