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20 February 2015 @ 09:04 am
Confessional 2015  
Tell me a secret! Tell me a not-secret! Whisper sweet somethings in my comment box. Express your maddest crush or deepest curiosity! Expound upon the fabulousness of your friends or lovers or would-be friends or lovers! Or people you know or want to know. Do it anonymously or with your name attached; anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off.

You know you want to!

[Please note ground rules here.]

[Link to flat version of comments is here.]

A note on user experience: If you're starting a new thread, if you give it a subject, it'll be easier to pick out comments in response to it down the road.

ETA: IP logging is back on!
 
 
I'm feeling: curiouscurious
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 06:35 pm (UTC)
Re: I know I'm not a bad parent, but...
What form does this pressure take? I'm asking because I don't know of any parent who doesn't yell, but every single one of them that I've talk to hates doing it. So it's interesting to me that there would be pressure to adopt a behavior that everybody hates having.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:57 am (UTC)
Re: I know I'm not a bad parent, but...
I feel that there is backlash against gentle parenting techniques, citing a lack of discipline or only wanting to be your child's friend. I think you can be clear with boundaries and a good parent while also managing to not yell very often by using positive discipline, and thoughtful connection.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:30 am (UTC)
Re: I know I'm not a bad parent, but...
Wild. Because I think of those techniques as the ideal I strive toward and sometimes fall short of. I feel a strong pressure NOT to yell. If I ever yell, it must be because I'm not clever and calm enough to have figured out how to properly and constructively redirect the 99th time in a row.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 12:50 pm (UTC)
Re: I know I'm not a bad parent, but...
Yes. This. (Original poster)
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:06 pm (UTC)
Re: I know I'm not a bad parent, but...
I find that I'm more likely to lose my cool if I'm stretched too thin, so definitely self care and doing my own emotional work is important in being able to parent gently. Knowing the techniques is also key. It's interesting that you use the word redirect here, as that's only one technique among many. In fact, I rarely redirect, and more often acknowledge whatever is going on emotionally for the child and let them work it out, either with my help or alone, whichever is right for them at the time (and depending on my ability to cope, if I'm out, then I'll take a time out for myself). I can offer some resources if anyone is interested.

All this said, I do not know what it's like to parent a child who is not neurotypical, and I acknowledge that the challenges may be quite different.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 02:10 pm (UTC)
Re: I know I'm not a bad parent, but...
Gentle parent here, I should also mention that sometimes I do lose my cool. Sometimes I do yell. I don't think that feeling ashamed of having done this is going to help anyone, so I try not to. It's better to examine what happened and how to do better next time, as well as talking about what happened with the child and apologizing if I was out of line, as a commenter above suggested.

Remember, everyone gets mad sometimes, and it's important to model to our kids that all emotions are ok! It's how we deal with the situation afterwards that counts.

(Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 05:46 pm (UTC)
Re: I know I'm not a bad parent, but...
(original poster again)
That is SO true, about needing to demonstrate the full range of emotions. Thanks. That helps, too.

I would love to have other suggestions on what besides redirect works, particularly for pre-schoolers. And perhaps can be done out of this forum, if we could get out of the anon loop.
(Anonymous) on February 27th, 2015 06:20 pm (UTC)
Re: I know I'm not a bad parent, but...
I don't think I can explain anything better than the experts do. Here are my favorites:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/
http://www.handinhandparenting.org/
http://www.janetlansbury.com/

I use a blend of all 3 of these based on what works for me and my family.

One big thing I have discovered about gentle parenting that has made a big difference: Being a gentle parent does not mean I don't hold a firm boundary, even if doing so leads to extreme emotions in child, just that I hold that boundary compassionately.