?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
20 February 2015 @ 09:04 am
Confessional 2015  
Tell me a secret! Tell me a not-secret! Whisper sweet somethings in my comment box. Express your maddest crush or deepest curiosity! Expound upon the fabulousness of your friends or lovers or would-be friends or lovers! Or people you know or want to know. Do it anonymously or with your name attached; anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off.

You know you want to!

[Please note ground rules here.]

[Link to flat version of comments is here.]

A note on user experience: If you're starting a new thread, if you give it a subject, it'll be easier to pick out comments in response to it down the road.

ETA: IP logging is back on!
 
 
I'm feeling: curiouscurious
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on February 22nd, 2015 07:05 pm (UTC)
My girlfriend loves meats that come on the bone (ribs, wings, etc) but can't handle getting the meat off the bone. Whenever we go out, she asks me to debone whatever it is, which ... it was fine when we were first dating, but now, about a year in, it makes me feel like she's incompetent when we go out to eat. On one hand, it seems like it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it bothers me more and more as representing a significant gap between her and some notion I have of basic adult skills -- not dealing with bones, per say, but that she makes no effort to gain ground against a squick that she acknowledges both gets in her way and isn't in line with her values.
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 12:42 am (UTC)
My first response to this was to offer fix-it suggestions--like, for example, what would happen if you stopped de-boning things for her?

But I read this again, and the thing that really leaps out at me is that you seem really to be saying that you think your girlfriend is lacking as an adult--that it "shouldn't be such a big deal, but it bothers [you] more and more." That's worrying to me, because that sounds like disdain. And disdain is the quickest route to sadness in a relationship.

Maybe everything else about this relationship is amazing! I hope it is. I hope you two are wonderfully happy. I just wanted to flag that, I guess. I spent a long time in a relationship where I really disdained my partner, and it wasn't good for either of us, and if I can save someone else from the same fate, I think it would be a good deed.
(Anonymous) on February 23rd, 2015 07:31 am (UTC)
This is one of the weirdest things I have read on the confessional so far. If I had her particular squick I would simply NOT ORDER MEAT ON THE BONE. I would feel like an incompetent infant asking someone else to cut my meat for me. I can empathize with your feelings, and suggest that you talk to her about it. Maybe approach it by telling her that you feel uncomfortable continuing to cut her meat for her. Maybe she thinks you enjoy it on some level and so uses that as a reason/excuse to not work on her issue and/or not order boneless meat? I gotta say I'm a bit flummoxed.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:53 pm (UTC)
I considered comment non-anonymously, since this is something people know about me, but I've never actually participated in these threads, and commenting anonymously seems to be the suggested Done Thing in the guidelines, so.

Anyway, I'm not the g/f of the OP, which was the other reason I was going to login to post. :-)

I am a recovering vegetarian and I CANNOT deal with bones in my meat. Generally, that means I don't order meat with bones. On special occasions, my husband will kindly help me with bone-in foods, though he's sworn he'll never tackle another cornish hen for me (too much work).

I agree with the first comment that disdain/scorn has the potential to be a very bad path (check out the 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work for more background on that idea).

But I also agree with the other comment suggesting that this is her/MY problem and I manage this problem myself by avoiding bones whenever possible, or at least ASKING my partner if they're OK to help me with this meal, and allowing them to say no. You don't mention that this expectation of you is bothering you, and perhaps she is requesting each time for your assistance and giving you a chance to say no... but it kind of sounds like this is a blanket expectation. That would be a big deal to me.

Finally, the Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders in Boston http://www.bu.edu/card/ does treatment for phobias that is short-term and they do payment on a sliding scale. This hasn't been enough of a problem for me that I've needed to go to CARD for this, but I also manage it independently pretty well. If I had to give up eating meat-with-bones for the rest of my life, I could very easily accomplish that. That said, suggesting that your g/f needs help with this also has the potential to be insulting, so that may not be the best option. But I wanted to at least point out that there are places that offer Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for phobias, and that is an option. I knew someone with a blood phobia who wanted to go to med school; she never could've done it without CARD's help.

Good luck figuring it out.