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20 February 2015 @ 09:04 am
Confessional 2015  
Tell me a secret! Tell me a not-secret! Whisper sweet somethings in my comment box. Express your maddest crush or deepest curiosity! Expound upon the fabulousness of your friends or lovers or would-be friends or lovers! Or people you know or want to know. Do it anonymously or with your name attached; anonymous commenting is on and IP logging is off.

You know you want to!

[Please note ground rules here.]

[Link to flat version of comments is here.]

A note on user experience: If you're starting a new thread, if you give it a subject, it'll be easier to pick out comments in response to it down the road.

ETA: IP logging is back on!
I'm feeling: curiouscurious
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:15 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
Honestly, if someone who is attractive and kind expresses interest in me, and I feel a sense of connection, I am not going to give a shit about the gender ratio of their music collection (or any other such litmus test). I have never felt that it is appropriate *for me* to impose filters like that; I meet so few people who fulfill the "attractive and kind and sense of connection" requirements that it seems almost an offense to the universe to impose others beyond that.

That doesn't mean that such people can't come with deal-breakers, but I need to remember to view them in context, and with gratitude for the opportunity.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:26 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
This describes my approach well.

I do set filters for who I will reach out to -- not because I refuse to date people who don't meet those criteria, but those filters (I hope) make it most likely to reach out to someone I'll be a good match with.

But in terms of responding to men who reach out to me first? It comes down to
"if someone who is attractive and kind expresses interest in me, and I feel a sense of connection" just like you said.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 03:42 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
I do sometimes ignore my filters if I like the rest of a profile, or if a message is particularly attention-grabbing. Generally I find that my filters are a pretty good shorthand for "we probably won't have a connection".
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:10 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
This is actually why I increasingly think that OkCupid and other profile-based dating sites aren't right for me. I can't tell from a profile if someone is going to "click" with me, which is far more ephemeral than all of my personal guidelines.
(Anonymous) on February 24th, 2015 04:44 pm (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
Profile-based dating sucks...I just haven't found an approach that works better. My age, my interests, my lifestyle result in me meeting people who just aren't in a partner-seeking place in life (mostly family types). Add to that that I'm really bad at making connections with people "in the wild"; having some kind of structured, purposeful interaction really helps me overcome my shyness.

And to be really honest, I'm not attracted to most people nor am I attractive to most people. So the odds of stumbling on someone randomly resulting in a mutual attraction is really low.

So, imperfect though it is, I return again to OKCupid and the like.
(Anonymous) on February 25th, 2015 02:33 am (UTC)
Re: okcupid exclusions and bonuses
Yes, exactly. I have met ever so many perfectly pleasant, completely non-clicky people through OKC. (And one guy I *really* liked, so it can happen. But empirically speaking, the chances aren't that good.) So far, though, there hasn't been any other route with a better success rate.