ruthless compassion (aroraborealis) wrote,
ruthless compassion

one of those days

I've never been one to plan my life around the assumption of a life partner. When I think about my future, I think about myself entering it alone, maybe with partner(s) on the side, but always with myself alone at the center. This impacts how I approach and live in my relationships, because it means that I'm always figuring out how to be independent, how not to rely on a partner, how not, in effect, to be engaged as a partner with needs so much as as a whole circle looking for another circle to play with. (Bonus points if anyone gets that twisted reference *cough*jordanwillow*cough*) I like to be needed, but I prefer to be able to do everything I need on my own.

This probably makes me harder to be in a relationship with than some other people might be. I know I would likely find it frustrating to be in a relationship with someone who, as much as possible, insisted on not leaning on me, even when that would clearly make things easier for all involved. Of course, I alleviate some of this by getting involved only with people who already have "primary" type relationships, so they're not looking to get the bulk of their romantic/relationship needs met with me, and that's good for both of us, in some ways.

What does this mean about me? On one hand, it's good that I'm independent, fully rounded. On another hand, it's a real handicap in relationship, since I kinda repel the traditional relationshiply trappings. I'm too tired to draw any substantial conclusions from this.

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