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ruthless compassion
28 February 2004 @ 03:09 am
I was bound to get hit by the insomnia at some point after my return. I probably didn't do too badly by putting it off a good two months.

As you all saw from my posting the other day, I've started the apartment-search. Having begun it, I am immediately getting cold feet. Am I really ready to commit to an apartment for some length of time? Maybe I should wait to find a job before making any other major commitments in the next couple of months? Does all this chilling of toes mean that I'm really not ready, and if so, why? I mean, is there something out there I'm supposed to discover that would be interrupted somehow by having a place to call home?

Oddly, the answer may well be yes, at this point, although I don't really know where I'm pointing. One of the myriad ideas I have floating around for my next few years is to open up a women's bathhouse in the Boston area, and one of the paths to that end includes spending a big chunk of time here in the bay area doing some sort of internship type thing at Osento in SF to learn about the ins and outs of such a thing. But part of me resists the idea of another temporary uprooting (although, I'm also thinking about future major travel to Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Chili, and that still appeals), so I've started thinking about a more serious move to the bay area.

Of course, that would kinda shoot the bathhouse idea out of the water, since it's a market that's served here. But I like this area, and it would certainly answer the call I continue to have for change in my life, at least for a bit. In wandering around SF and environs the past couple of weeks, I've been struck by how much cooler a city it is than Boston (and not just because their mayor made my month with the same sex marriage stuff), but I think part of that is the fact that it's all unknown and therefore exotic.

I know a fair number of people here, so I wouldn't be moving into a vacuum, socially, which would be tough for me to consider seriously, but knowing people is different from having the strong social network that I have in Boston, and that's not to be discounted. Not to mention that moving is scary. And it would be really hard to leave not only my network in Boston, but also some specific people there.

Maybe I'll hold off on signing on for any apartments until I've found a job that excites me, and, in the meantime, start looking at jobs in SF as well as Boston.
 
 
I'm feeling: ambivalent