ruthless compassion (aroraborealis) wrote,
ruthless compassion

interview time again!

1. You asked, but never answered, so just this once I'm doubling up a question:

So what does make a good kisser anyway? :)

Actually, I think what I asked is what makes a good kiss, rather than kisser, so I'll answer both:

A good kiss, for me, is one where energy moves. You know the egg yolk scene in Tampopo? It's like that. I tend to be big on lots of lip action, with the tongue performing backup, almost as though it's shy but can't help but participate. Like many others, too-wet kisses are a turnoff for me, and I prefer that the tongue never dart. Variety is important, so shifting from deep to teasing to lingering to intense to... you get the idea. And, to be totally swept away by a kiss, I like it to include other body action. A hand on the back of the neck, or the lower back/hip, or stroking from hip to neck is a very nice touch. A kiss that starts with more separation but ends up completely entwined is a beautiful thing. And I really like it when my partner makes involuntary sounds of appreciation, like a soft sigh or catch of breath.

I also like surprises, so automatic spice is added to an unexpected kiss, particularly from someone with whom I've been flirting but haven't been sure when/how to make a move. But that gets into categories of kisses, which might have to be a whole different post :)

As for what makes a good kisser... I'm not sure I have enough experience with different kissers to be able to generalize, but...

In the realm of things the kisser can't control: I like full, soft lips, rather than narrow, muscular ones. But technique is obviously more important than lip shape, and in technique, I think that a good kisser is one who pays attention to his/her partner's reactions, and who really enjoys kissing qua kissing, not just as a preliminary stage before moving on to more interesting things.

2. If you could insert one quality into the typical American male, what would it be?

Oooh. Interesting question. My initial reaction was to say it would be a gut empathy/understanding of the fact of sexism as a current reality that hasn't yet been solved, but, actually, I think what I'd like is to give them (you all :) a real comfort with all the aspects of who you are. In fact, this quality would be nicely applied to women, too, but I think men get the short end of the stick in this particular area of patriarchal impact. I'd give men comfort in their manhood irrespective of how "manly" they are, and in conjunction with being able to be aware of and connected to their emotional responses. I'd give them social permission to wear skirts and to be soft, or not, as they like, and I'd let them off the hook of needing to be pillars or islands or whatever it is, or needing always to be strong and prove their worth. I'd give them the ability to be vulnerable, to connect, and not to have to prove themselves.

3. What is the last thing that obsessed you?

Hmm. I do get obsessed occasionally, but it's been a while. Is it cheating to say that I'm obsessed with figuring out how to get to be what I want to be when I grow up?

Actually, though, appropriately enough given your first question, I've recently been a tad fixated on wanting to kiss new people and not really being sure how to make that happen, given that I'm a) shy and b) picky.

4. What superpower would you want the lightning bolt spanging through your living room window to give you?

Flight. I like to think about this every now and then, but I always come back to the same thing :) I have wonderful flying dreams, and I'd love to bring them to life.

5. What percentage would you say you live in your body versus living in your head?

Wow. This is a tough one. I think it's probably 3:1 head:body, which is something I'm trying to shift a bit. I think I'd like it to be more like 3:2. Growing up fat meant that there was a lot of negative feedback for me as a person with a body, and throughout high school and early college, I sort of preferred to focus almost all of my concept of myself on my brain and personality. Of course, that's a dodge, since peoples' reactions to my body certainly impact how I move through the world and develop personally and socially.

It was only after moving to Boston and getting more involved with a less "mainstream" crowd that I was exposed to people who found me attractive (at risk of being cheesy) "just the way I am", and it's taken me a long time to adjust to that. In fact, it's something that I've been wrestling with a bit recently, and which will probably be a long post here sometime in the next week or two. But there's at least part of me that can now accept that I'm attractive to at least some reasonable population of the world, and that's been a good thing.

A major turning point for me on the body/mind front was actually last year when I was in Honduras learning SCUBA. I was good at it. Really good, basically right off the bat. My instructor and other instructors commented on how natural I looked in the water, and comfortable, and complimented my impressive grasp of buoyancy (the key to skillful SCUBA). I even had better (more efficient) air use than some of the divemasters. For me as someone who thinks about herself physically as the kid who got picked last in gym class for teams, this was a pretty relevatory moment, and it made me think about other physical things that I do well: dance, skiing, swimming.

I want to be closer to even (although I don't think I ever want to be in a place where I'm living more in my body than my mind) in the ratio because it's about a) accepting myself more fully and b) enjoying everything that I have, both physical and mental.

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