ruthless compassion (aroraborealis) wrote,
ruthless compassion

ambivalence and outcomes

Last summer, I finally parted ways with mosaic, my former cohousing group, after a lot of back-and-forth with myself about it. I had never been completely sure that I would live there, for reasons ranging from money to location, but it was a project that I was excited about, with a lot of good people, and it's a good idea, cohousing, and I'm glad to put my energy into bringing good ideas about, typically. Besides, even if I didn't live there, I was sure I would reap the benefits of having lots of friends living in a cluster.

I ended up dropping out a few months after getting back from Guatemala, because I found that I just wasn't finding ways to get to the biweekly meetings. That indicated to me that my energies were focused elsewhere, and that I ought to stop fooling myself. It was a lot of thinking to get there, though, and I was sad to part ways with the group because of all the good reasons I had to be involved, not to mention that I'd put a good 2+ years of a lot of time and energy into things there. It felt like the right decision at the time, but I wondered how I would feel once the group found land (a process that had been ongoing for something like two years since I got involved).

It turned out to be the right decision, as evidenced by the brief mourning period and a more extended feeling of celebration once that passed. Not that I don't miss part of it, especially (weirdly enough) the meetings, which were typically fun to facilitate, and an invigorating example of a group of people working effectively toward a (mostly) shared goal. As a facilitator and as a participant, it was pretty exciting. And, of course, the meetings of the facilitation team were missed (and still are) as one of my favorite aspects of the group.

I was quite happy to be out, and not to feel responsible to the group, anymore, though. Overall, I was entirely happy to be focusing myself on other things. Even when land came along, I was excited for the group, but I didn't feel sorry not to be involved. It's an exciting time, but it's not my exciting time, and that's good. In some ways, this is much easier, too, because it's farther out than I would have wanted, and probably will be out of my theoretical price range, anyway. It's easier to be the partee than the parted, I think, at least in this instance.

And, oh, the drama. Just as in any setting where there are lots of people trying to do something close to their hearts, there are disagreements, sometimes heated. Every time something comes up along those lines, I'm delighted not to have a stake, anymore, in the outcome of each piece.

It's awfully nice to be able to look back at a decision that was difficult to make and know, through and through, that it was the right one. I hope to have this experience many times in the future.

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