ruthless compassion (aroraborealis) wrote,
ruthless compassion

pre-travel angst

I'm having my standard pre-trip "uh oh" moment. This is pretty normal for me, especially when going somewhere new: "Wait, what if it's horrible? What if all the planning I've done so far is wrong and I have an awful time? Why didn't I decide to go somewhere that I know I'll have a good time! Maybe I can cancel the trip..." (When going somewhere I've been before, like, say Guatemala, the internal dialogue goes, "What if it's not as great as I remember? What if I see that awful guy from X again? Why am I going to the same place? Shouldn't I try something new? Maybe I can cancel the trip..."

Needless to say, I never cancel the trip, and I've yet to have a horrible time, but that doesn't stop me going through the motions of waking myself up excessively early to agonize over it as if I might, anyway. This trip, of course, isn't even optional, since the first half of it is for work, and I would be seriously insane to go to Puerto Rico for three days of work and then come home without doing any islandy things.

I decided on the hotel near the beach, because it's not my MO. Normally, especially when going to the tropics alone, I aim to have a quiet, meditative sort of experience. For example, when I was on Roatán, I tended to sleep from 9pm-5am, get up and swim at dawn, SCUBA during the day, get an early dinner, and then read on my porch until it got too mosquito-y, then bed. It was great, and very relaxing, beautifully introspective, and obviously an important time for me. But this trip is only 3 days (the vacation part, anyway) and I'm trying new things, so I'm thinking doing a bit of the drinking on the beach is just the thing. And I'm way more likely to do that if the bar is right downstairs rather than a few blocks away, especially because my natural inclination when in an unknown, possibly shady area is not to be wandering around after dark.

kcatalyst accuses me of justifying a splurge with my interpersonal development project, which is probably true, though, hey, it's not really a stretch, even. It's a funny thing to push myself on this sort of thing, though, because even though I want to be that kind of person who's relaxed and easy in social settings, I'm often not, so by forcing myself (or strongly encouraging myself, at least) into such a setting, I'm also causing myself all sorts of internal drama: "What do you mean we're staying at a hip hotel with a great bar?? You hate bars!" says my self to myself. (I made the reservation, and because it's short notice, I'm already past the cancellation deadline. Which is a good thing... mostly :)

Intellectually, I know I'll have a good time, and if I don't, I can always change boats midstream, but the definition of my pre-travel angst is that it is reason-resistent. How pesky is that?? On the bright side, my understanding is that I'll be right on the premier gay beach in Puerto Rico, so I bet the people-watching will be outstanding, if nothing else!
Tags: travel

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