ruthless compassion (aroraborealis) wrote,
ruthless compassion


For the past couple of months, maybe a little longer, I've been feeling that "itchy" feeling of needing to change something big in my life. The last time I had this, of course, I ran off to Guatemala, which was, as you all know, really fucking awesome, and totally the right thing to do, and that experience has helped me in so many ways to become more myself.

Because of that, I don't necessarily look at this feeling as bad, though it doesn't, on a daily basis, feel good, either, because, of course, it is, at root, about something lacking, and being unsatisfied. Feeling satisfied, obviously, is more pleasant than the reverse, after all.

But I like change, and I like challenge, and if I have to feel this casting about in order to push myself into the next thing, that's completely fine by me. Well, mostly fine by me, anyway.

What's hard right now, though, is that I'm not entirely sure what the next big thing should be. I have a lot of fantasies, the most prominent of which is that I could write a grant to get someone to pay for me to travel around the world, and, once that's done, I could then travel around the US and speak to schools and community groups about parts of their world they might never see or know about otherwise. But I'm not sure that really sets me apart from, well, hundreds, if not thousands, of other people who want someone else to pay for them to galavant about the world.

I'm still extremely resistant to the idea of going to graduate school, which is another obvious choice for me right now, so at the moment, I'm just setting that one aside.

I could simply move somewhere new, either in or out of the US, find a job, and see what that does to shake things up. On one hand, I'm pretty sure that would be exciting and interesting, but on the other, I'm so very comfortable here in Boston, and with such a great community, that it's hard to get excited to think about settling somewhere else. Somehow, the idea of being a nomad for a year or two, and then possibly landing somewhere else seems less daunting than simply up and moving to another place, especially if that other place is in the US.

I think I need to stop thinking about the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" and instead be thinking about what do I want to do for the next few years? I seem to be moving away from the Peace Corps idea, though I could well come back to it, of course. And maybe I shouldn't even be thinking the next few years and instead just the next one or two. If I can figure out what I want my next self-appointed hurdle to be, I can happily use the next year preparing for it and the year after that doing it. Or however long it needs.

But what? I hope I can figure it out soon, because it's driving me crazy, making me more introverted than usual, and if I don't figure it out soon, I'm likely to come up with something completely off-the-wall simply as a defense mechanism against this itchy feeling.
Tags: change, insight

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