ruthless compassion (aroraborealis) wrote,
ruthless compassion


As I've mentioned in the past, I have vivid dreams in cycles, with a week or two of vivid, memorable dreams every few weeks, and then a longer intervening time of not dreaming. I mostly have generally upbeat and positive dreams, too, thankfully, and those that aren't are usually interesting and neutral. In a recent conversation with someone, I was explaining this, which is entirely the reverse of her experience: she rarely remembers her dreams, and when she does, they're almost always bad. So I've had that on my mind.

Last week, I had a dream that I now don't remember, but what I do remember is waking up and thinking, "Huh, I think that was a bad dream!" Not that it felt bad, but what I could remember of the narrative arc was definitely not a happy sequence. But, it didn't feel like a bad dream. It had no emotional import, really, and felt basically neutral. Maybe, I thought, I do have bad dreams, but they don't have emotional content that makes them feel bad! It makes me wish I could go back and replay old dreams and see.

More recently, though, I had my first actual honestly bad dream that I can remember in my adult life. In it, I was hanging out with a friend who was doing something I really, really wanted to do, and something we could do together, but ... we weren't. Instead, he was doing it, and he was trying not to let on that he was, while we were together. And we were going to a party where everyone else was doing it, too, and I was just supposed to not notice! I woke up feeling tense and frustrated and disregarded and awful. It was bad.

Then I realized I was feeling tense and awful because my nose was stuffed up and I was feeling smothered and tense because I couldn't breathe. Well, it's good to know my body and brain are still connected.

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