However, if you need everybody to be the same or to agree with you in order to have safe social space, then maybe a little unsafety will do you good. Ya know, to maybe match with people who walk around unsafe, all the time. Could bring empathy, even.
In my world, there is no safe social space. I'm too "other", even in places where I look like I'm not. All it takes is Not Pretending for about 30 seconds to put myself in stark social contrast. That being said, there are definitely some places that are more dangerous than others, and it becomes less about a feeling of safety or belonging in an otherwise mostly physically safe space and more about "get your ass out of the street before major bad shit happens".
[Fixed some extraneous verbage.]
Edited at 2011-06-04 02:14 pm (UTC)
For me feeling safe is generally linked to trust. But strangely enough, not trust in the other people, but trust in my ability to judge the other people. If I don't feel like I understand the motivations or general likely behavior of the people I'm around, I don't feel safe.
An extreme example might be, is someone in my group likely to take video of me doing something dumb and send it to youtube?
But it could be smaller things like, "if I share a story that includes sex, is the person going to tell me it's TMI! and get offended?"
I can be in social atmospheres where both things are likely and feel safe if I understand the behaviors/rules/social norms of the person/group. Also, if I am surprised too many times in a social group, I start to doubt my ability to judge and protect myself and need to work on that before I feel completely "safe" again. I have not experienced much of this in the last decade, but it still happens in minor ways every once in a while.
For me feeling safe and being comfortable are different things.
Edited at 2011-06-03 07:16 pm (UTC)
My default is feeling safe, which has gotten me hurt more than once but is still, for me, the best way to be in the world. Maybe the only way. My feeling of safety may change when my trust has been violated, but the reason and method around that plays a huge role. If I trust someone with a non-life-threatening secret, for example, and they just truly let it slip to someone else while having an otherwise good track record, that doesn't change whether I feel safe with them.
I think it comes down to, safety = trust, and trustworthiness. This theory is supported by the fact that there's only a handful of people with whom I don't feel safe; they include my mom and my ex-husband.
I default to feeling safe, socially and otherwise. I assume people have good intentions towards me, and tend to act with integrity and maturity. Most of the time, I'm right! My friends are awesome.
The rest is what I originally wrote:
My default is feeling unsafe, socially. What changes that is the number of people at a social event, how well I know those people (do they behave in ways I can predict) and how well I like those people (do they behave in ways I enjoy).
Also central to how safe I'm feeling is how I feel: have I gotten enough sleep, have I eaten well, how late at night is it...things like that.
This is why I don't always enjoy parties and I rarely go clubbing but I'll try almost anything at brunch.
Edited at 2011-06-03 07:50 pm (UTC)
if i were to consider feeling safe in a social environment, i have to consider what would make me feel unsafe (not merely uncomfortable or bored).
the following would have to be compromised: physical safety, emotional well-being, support.
i have been in physically unsafe situations in socially safe environments (harassment at a gathering, for instance). but i tend to consider places in which i am usually social to be 'safe' (or else, why would i be there?)
in theo ther direction, i feel very emotionally safe when i am very tired (say, at a very long gig, or something similarly draining both physically and emotionally) and i CAN let my filters down. when i can say whatever is on my mind, and other people are respectful and kind despite the collective exhaustion, i know i've found some damn good friends :)
i have no idea if i've answered your question. it's a funny one to me. (because i AM pretty social, and have been very specific about who i hang out with so that it is not a negative experience.)
In some contexts, it also means that the social rules are clear so I'm not wondering if I'm screwing it up. It may also mean that I'm not being hit on or otherwise put into socially awkward positions.
I think this hits it on the head for me, with the addition of: that people there will also avoid unintentionally hurting me by making an effort (commensurate with the depth/length of our friendship) to think through their actions and put themselves in my shoes; that people will look out for me and make an effort to mitigate hurt coming my way.
My default feeling is unsafe, so it always takes time for me to feel safe, and it's always an ongoing process.
I don't really talk about feeling safe socially, I guess.
I don't think I quite do feel safe socially.
Which feels a little ridiculous to say... I mean, it's not like I think I'm unsafe socially.
Hm.
I don't think I understand this subject particularly well.
i don't know what changes that. i guess right now i'm not socializing much :/
Interesting. Reading through comments, at first I was thinking that "safe" socially meant "comfortable." Then thinking about how part of "comfortable" for me is being around a wide range of types of people-- it can feel claustrophobic to only spend time with a homogenous group. Then I remembered how I can feel like I'm walking on eggshells when I have to consciously think about not outing myself, either because of potential long term harm to me or hurtful discomfort to the other person. And I also started thinking about all the closets I hang out in, having to do with sexuality, politics, class, humor, intelligence, body mods, etc., depending on the social environment.
It makes me appreciate you even more, Arora, for the wonderful communities you create. Kisses and hugs to you!
For me, there is also this desire to never feel 'stuck' somehow: that whatever situation i am in, i can always effect change, leave, etc. But i think that's my general preoccupations showing. :)